The joy of colonoscopy
The actual procedure is lovely -- a really good nap!
Aaaah, but the prep is sooooooo disgusting.
2 days before at bedtime: Take three laxative tablets provided. This are individually packaged in a plastic-paper-aluminum foil combo that resists any and all conventional extraction techniques. I had to use my scissors to cut a semicircle around each tiny individual pill to extract it from its raised plastic bunker. Result: Rude awakening the next morning by stomach cramps and events requiring emergency sheet and nightgown washing. Don't even think about going back to bed.
1 day before: Clear liquid diet all day, and 1.5 oz of Fleet Phospho-soda at 2 pm. The ginger-lemon flavor on offer this time was fairly palatable. The day was filled with food discussions on NPR, food shows and commercials on TV, and barely aborted reachings for food or valentine chocolates approximately every 10 minutes. I sipped water, coffee, and apple juice. I became crankier by the hour, angrily famished and resentful. I shat dirty water at intervals that precluded going to bank and post office on the same trip. No way could I walk the dog, though he had been so excited the day before by chasing remote-controlled racing cars at the park that he spent most of this day standing in front of me and staring expectantly into my eyes instead of sleeping on the sofa as usual.
Day of: No more liquids, and 1.5 oz Phospho-soda at 4 am. Since this is roughly two hours past my usual bedtime, I decided that sleep was not an option. I worked on my giant jigsaw puzzle until 3 am, then set the alarm just in case and lay down in bed to watch TV. I had finally stopped pooping water. Then, at 4 am I drank the nasty stuff and by 4:30 was blasting away again. No rest for me, so I fed the dog at what he must have thought was the middle of the night. At 5:25 I called my son, who had agreed to take me since he was staying up all night anyhow writing a paper for school. He had forgotten all about it! He lives on the other side of town, but he made it in time for us to arrive only 15 minutes late for the 6:30 am appointment at outpatient services. Turns out it didn't matter at all being late. We could have arrived at 7 and still been okay. Then I got naked and gowned, got an IV and a heated blanket, rolled on my side to expose my buttocks to the positively frigid air, and promptly lost consciousness. Next thing I knew, I was wobbling out the door on my son's arm with visions of pancakes and maple syrup dancing in my head. But home again I had to lie down a bit first, and slept until 4:30 pm. I decided to breakfast on three cups of coffee and a salad of yogurt, tangelo, dried blueberries and walnuts, which soon had me blasting the toilet again. You know, I'm actually fairly intelligent most of the time. I don't know what I was thinking. I took the dog for a walk and very nearly didn't get home in time. I got the pants down fast enough but had to wash the toilet seat and back and take a shower. (Don't you love reading this?)
It's after midnight now, and I feel only a slight residual wooze from the morning fun. It's time to give my homely old pup his oily 1.4 mL of Demodex poison.
Aaaah, but the prep is sooooooo disgusting.
2 days before at bedtime: Take three laxative tablets provided. This are individually packaged in a plastic-paper-aluminum foil combo that resists any and all conventional extraction techniques. I had to use my scissors to cut a semicircle around each tiny individual pill to extract it from its raised plastic bunker. Result: Rude awakening the next morning by stomach cramps and events requiring emergency sheet and nightgown washing. Don't even think about going back to bed.
1 day before: Clear liquid diet all day, and 1.5 oz of Fleet Phospho-soda at 2 pm. The ginger-lemon flavor on offer this time was fairly palatable. The day was filled with food discussions on NPR, food shows and commercials on TV, and barely aborted reachings for food or valentine chocolates approximately every 10 minutes. I sipped water, coffee, and apple juice. I became crankier by the hour, angrily famished and resentful. I shat dirty water at intervals that precluded going to bank and post office on the same trip. No way could I walk the dog, though he had been so excited the day before by chasing remote-controlled racing cars at the park that he spent most of this day standing in front of me and staring expectantly into my eyes instead of sleeping on the sofa as usual.
Day of: No more liquids, and 1.5 oz Phospho-soda at 4 am. Since this is roughly two hours past my usual bedtime, I decided that sleep was not an option. I worked on my giant jigsaw puzzle until 3 am, then set the alarm just in case and lay down in bed to watch TV. I had finally stopped pooping water. Then, at 4 am I drank the nasty stuff and by 4:30 was blasting away again. No rest for me, so I fed the dog at what he must have thought was the middle of the night. At 5:25 I called my son, who had agreed to take me since he was staying up all night anyhow writing a paper for school. He had forgotten all about it! He lives on the other side of town, but he made it in time for us to arrive only 15 minutes late for the 6:30 am appointment at outpatient services. Turns out it didn't matter at all being late. We could have arrived at 7 and still been okay. Then I got naked and gowned, got an IV and a heated blanket, rolled on my side to expose my buttocks to the positively frigid air, and promptly lost consciousness. Next thing I knew, I was wobbling out the door on my son's arm with visions of pancakes and maple syrup dancing in my head. But home again I had to lie down a bit first, and slept until 4:30 pm. I decided to breakfast on three cups of coffee and a salad of yogurt, tangelo, dried blueberries and walnuts, which soon had me blasting the toilet again. You know, I'm actually fairly intelligent most of the time. I don't know what I was thinking. I took the dog for a walk and very nearly didn't get home in time. I got the pants down fast enough but had to wash the toilet seat and back and take a shower. (Don't you love reading this?)
It's after midnight now, and I feel only a slight residual wooze from the morning fun. It's time to give my homely old pup his oily 1.4 mL of Demodex poison.
posted by Cranky Ol' Lady at 11:27 PM
1 Comments:
Ah, something to look forward to! I am going to reach the right age fairly soon. I feel kind of prepared now, thank you! :)
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