Week in Kilcullen
Here I am in Ireland having a week with my husband before heading to France for two weeks of French language immersion.
First I have to praise American Airlines and Aer Lingus for the most comfortable and stress-free flight to Europe in years. I don't know how much of that is due to traveling off season, but the seat and leg room was surely independent of that. Or have I unknowingly shrunk?
I missed my first day here by sleeping straight through it. The second day I strolled downhill to my favorite cafe, and afterward I continued on over the bridge to a little wooden fishing dock on the Liffey. I sat there alternately reading and gazing, just relaxing and feeling good. Returning to the barber shop, I climbed up the grassy hill to the road, noticing the new strength in my quads from four months of exercise since my knee arthroscopy. When I was last here, in June, I had to take the low-rise path, but now I stride straight up the hill with ease.
The odd thing happening these days is my dreams. It seems I'm still working out the emotional stuff from work -- the anger at having to "teach" so many students who don't even try to learn, the hurt and fury at my department chairman for unfairly lacerating me at the end of spring semester for "abusing" and "humiliating" students (i.e. the one or two who complain when they don't succeed).
In my dreams, I am misjudged and misunderstood. Often they take place in a classroom or with a colleague from school. The details are absurd, but the emotional landscape is real. However, in the dreams I stand up for myself. In reality, I had let myself fall into the old pit of low self esteem, guilt, anger, depression, and grief. After standing up for myself in these dreams, I feel exhausted as repressed hurt and anger drains away. This has been going on since I retired, but it seems to be peaking now. I hope that means I'm coming to the end of it, a final spasm prior to truly letting it go.
On the interpersonal level, marriage is improving. I'm loosening the clenched, white-knuckled grip on my true feelings and reactions. It's such a simple thing, and it makes everything better. As my mind relaxes, little sticks and big logs flow more freely downstream. The damming up, followed by cataclysmic release (always hurtful) of negative feelings, is just fading away. I feel so much less fear of myself, especially as I watch my partner respond in surprising ways.
Life still surprises me.
First I have to praise American Airlines and Aer Lingus for the most comfortable and stress-free flight to Europe in years. I don't know how much of that is due to traveling off season, but the seat and leg room was surely independent of that. Or have I unknowingly shrunk?
I missed my first day here by sleeping straight through it. The second day I strolled downhill to my favorite cafe, and afterward I continued on over the bridge to a little wooden fishing dock on the Liffey. I sat there alternately reading and gazing, just relaxing and feeling good. Returning to the barber shop, I climbed up the grassy hill to the road, noticing the new strength in my quads from four months of exercise since my knee arthroscopy. When I was last here, in June, I had to take the low-rise path, but now I stride straight up the hill with ease.
The odd thing happening these days is my dreams. It seems I'm still working out the emotional stuff from work -- the anger at having to "teach" so many students who don't even try to learn, the hurt and fury at my department chairman for unfairly lacerating me at the end of spring semester for "abusing" and "humiliating" students (i.e. the one or two who complain when they don't succeed).
In my dreams, I am misjudged and misunderstood. Often they take place in a classroom or with a colleague from school. The details are absurd, but the emotional landscape is real. However, in the dreams I stand up for myself. In reality, I had let myself fall into the old pit of low self esteem, guilt, anger, depression, and grief. After standing up for myself in these dreams, I feel exhausted as repressed hurt and anger drains away. This has been going on since I retired, but it seems to be peaking now. I hope that means I'm coming to the end of it, a final spasm prior to truly letting it go.
On the interpersonal level, marriage is improving. I'm loosening the clenched, white-knuckled grip on my true feelings and reactions. It's such a simple thing, and it makes everything better. As my mind relaxes, little sticks and big logs flow more freely downstream. The damming up, followed by cataclysmic release (always hurtful) of negative feelings, is just fading away. I feel so much less fear of myself, especially as I watch my partner respond in surprising ways.
Life still surprises me.
posted by Cranky Ol' Lady at 9:53 PM
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